4/26/21 - Monday

Chemo day tomorrow.  I'm packing my 'chemo bag' my friend gave me when I first started treatments.  I've taken it every week.  I fill it with snacks, puzzle games, book, Ipad, tissues, chapstick, etc.  Most of it stays packed all week so I don't forget anything.  Well, I'm not supposed to forget anything....  

I still have my cold.  Day 10.  I'm feeling better, tho, so it's not all bad.  I have a list of questions for the nurse tomorrow, so perhaps they won't nag at me for another week when I see the doctor.

Reflecting today, sort of.  I first found the lump on my lymph node 29 weeks ago.  That seems like such a long time.  Tomorrow will be week number 12 for chemo so far, and I have at least 8 more weeks to go.  I'll have a couple of weeks to recover, then I will start radiation for 5 weeks.  I will go every day, Monday through Friday, during that time.

I've had 2 surgeries for my heart during this time.  One to put a monitor in, and one to have it removed.  I had the big surgery in January and then the smaller one to put my port in, in February.  

I've lost my hair, my nails are horrid, and the top of my head is numb.  I have sores in my mouth and on my hands and arms.  My heart races a great deal of the time and I break out into a full body sweat with chest pains.  Each time it happens, I wonder if my heart can take any more.  Sometimes it's pretty scary.  I have headaches and body aches and my joints suffer.  My back is the worst.  It feels like my spinal implant isn't working at all any more.  I have trouble sleeping and headaches are common.  I have fluid pockets in my left chest and arm and wear a compression sleeve and glove every day, all day.  I'm supposed to stay out of the sun and be cautious of cuts and insect bites.  The light hurts my eyes and I wear sunglasses at all times outside.  My gut is in constant turmoil.  My brain has been totally fried and recalling stuff is challenging most days.  I'm tired all the time and cry at the drop of a hat.  The inside of my nose is covered in scabs.  I'm losing feeling in the bottoms of my feet.

I've tried to keep my posts somewhat light, but some people have asked me to do things that I simply cannot, or do not wish to.  I hate to turn them down, but I simply don't feel well most of the time.  I love company and welcome visitors.  I get very lonely at times.

People tell me 'you're so brave'.  Let me tell you something.  Bravery has absolutely nothing to do with it.  If I don't go through all these surgeries and treatments, I'll die.  That's not much of a choice, is it?  No.  It's not.  Crap, I may die anyway.  Then I've gone through all this for nothing.  Yes, it will have extended my life span, however, this is not what I consider 'living'.  I'm existing.  I'm breathing.  I'm not living.  This crap had better work or I'm gonna be one pissed off old broad.  And, if and when, I'm pronounced in remission, I intend to celebrate.  Big time, people.  Cause this crap can always show up again later.  So, I'm gonna party while the partying is good.  

I want to go fishing, camping, travel, see my kids more.  I am SO ready to have some fun.  And, I can't wait to have a glass of wine again!  That's what keeps me going.  My life after cancer.  It's within my grasp and I'm gonna keep fighting this crap so I can have my life back.  I want my life back.  I have many months to go, though, and I'm not looking forward to it.  At all.  It's downright depressing.  I need my friends and family so much.  You're what keeps me going.  Your support, the love you've shown David and I, your compassion.  I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me.  It's freakin' unbelievable.  No, there's no courage here.  Stamina, maybe.  Relentless stamina.

Sorry if this post upsets anyone.  That was not my intent.  I guess I simply needed to vent, express my feelings, be honest for a change.  I'm tired of sugarcoating my symptoms to protect people.  I'm in a world of hurt and ready to get out.  No easy way to say it, I reckon.  So, when I just want to sit, or go lay down, I'm not trying to be rude.  I am just tired and don't feel well.  It'll pass.  I'll get up again and start over.  And over.  And over.  I'll keep doing it until this whole thing is over for good.  Then, please join me in some fun!  Let's live life together.  Don't waste any minutes while you're waiting for me, either.  They're so precious.