5/12/21 - Wednesday

I got 2 hours of sleep last night, so that's 2 hours more than I anticipated.  It's the 40 mg of steroids that they drip into me every Tuesday that keeps me awake that night.  That will continue, so there won't be any surprises in my weekly routine.

Well, there is going to be a change.  They won't let me have chemo next week.  I have to wait 2 weeks for my next one, if there is one, and it'll only be 1/2 dose.  I didn't have my mind on task enough to ask if this will lengthen my treatments, or not.  I reckon I'll remember to ask that question in 2 more weeks.  I got sick today.  Felt pretty crummy.  Called the oncologist and she said to come right in.  David dropped what he was doing and took me to town, because I was in no shape to drive.  I have an infection and it's a whopper.  My left side is totally inflamed - even my neck and both cheeks.  Everything is hot and red.  My lesions have spread, my mouth sores have doubled, my nose bleeds every time I blow it, yada, yada, yada.

She put me on antibiotics for the next 10 days and I'm in a 'hold and see' mode now.  It wasn't a good day, that's for sure.  The chemo is hitting what's left of my lymph nodes too hard.  They can't keep up and can't fight off infections any more.  My body needs to rest for awhile and try and 'catch up', if I'm going to make it through this.  My brain is foggy and I'm off-balance, to boot.  

I have an MRI scheduled for the 9th of June on my lower back.  There's only one place in town that can do it because of my spinal implant, so I'll just have to wait for awhile.  It's not going to make any difference anyway.  There's nothing they can do for me right now.  My type of cancer typically spreads to bones, brain, liver, lungs, if it goes metastatic and the oncologist is worried it's found my back.  I'm really not.  I think it's just my regular old crappy back just getting worse with time.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Again, today, the doctor said this is hitting me 'harder than most'.  I'm just that special, I reckon.  I'm allergic to too many meds that I really could use to help me out and relieve some of my symptoms and pain.  It is what it is.  I'll deal with it and we'll move on to the next chapter soon.

Poor David.  I'm putting him through Hell.  I feel most sorry about that.  He takes such good care of me and works so hard.  I feel so helpless that I can't relieve some of his worry and stress.  If I could change anything about my illness, I would choose that.  Make him worry and stress-free.  I would feel SO much better.

So, today I'm feeling my age.  That's unfortunate because:

I'm so old I remember multiplication was called 'times tables'.

I'm so old I remember as a kid we actually had to win to get a trophy.

I'm so old I remember when paper bags were blamed for the destruction of trees and plastic bags were the solution.

Today, kids are asking for iphones.  When I was a kid, I was absolutely thrilled to get a new box of crayons.

And you people in your 20's, 30's and 40's - you just wait.  When you hit around age 50, that 'check engine' light gonna come on.