My package –

My package arrived in the mail today – only 7 days late. I got 2

packages, actually. One was mailed on Friday and it got here at the

same time. I’m happy my tax dollars are hard at work within the postal

system. Allow me to explain my recent purchases – if you’re

uninterested, leave the blog now, because that’s all this addendum is

going to refer to.

I am now the proud owner of a couple of compression ‘vests’.

Remember those old Playtex commercials advertising their ‘Playtex

Long-Lined Living Bra’? I am now the owner of something similar, but

definitely more evil. It’s a compression garment, remember? Except

it’s on steroids. And it’s mostly associated with a corset. Sometimes it

takes 2 people to get this thing on me – and it’s not a pretty sight.

There should be a warning label that says ‘breathing may be optional’.

I’m supposed to wear these every day – forever. They’re so becoming,

they may become a fad. They’re $220 each, so perhaps not.

Next, I received a compression sleeve and a glove. I have some I

wore this past winter, but MD Anderson said they weren’t the correct

ones, so I needed new ones. Of course I do. The sleeve is $90 and the

glove cost $150. Yeah, let that sink in. The good news is: they are

expected to last a whole 6 months before needing replaced. The care

label says to keep them out of sun, heat and moisture. I’m in Houston.

It’s August. It’s 95 degrees, the sun is out, the heat index is 112, and

the humidity is off the chart. Sure. That’s gonna happen. It also

states to launder them in cold water. Ha! We haven’t had cold water

since last February. Turn on the tap – warm. No cold. Not happening.

These things may last a couple of months, tops.

Now I’m gonna try on my new sleeve and glove. First, the sleeve.

I could put my old one on, so I figure this one will be about the same. I

figured wrong. This one is tighter. A lot tighter. It’s got little

silicone knobby things at the top to keep the sleeve from slipping.

They also prove to be a challenge when trying to remove the garment.

Oh, yeah. Now I’m getting hot. This thing is hot. Nightmarish

memories flood back involving a dressing room and Spanx. I’m dripping

with sweat by the time I finally get it off. I’m inside with the AC

blowing. How in the heck am I going to wear this contraption outside in

the heat without passing out? I’ll let you know at a later date.

Next, the glove. It appears to be a child’s glove. The palm of the

glove is exactly ½ the width of my actual palm. This ought to be fun. I

read the instructions first (I get a gold star for that because I

already own one and have been wearing it). The instructions say to turn

it inside out if using on your left hand. Ok, that can’t be too hard, I

think. I thought wrong. Those 5 tiny fingers are incredibly difficult to

turn inside out. Incredibly. After an extensive amount of time, I think

I’ve done it. Wait a minute. There appears to be only a thumb and 3

fingers on this glove. What happened?!? Geez, I’m missing a finger.

It’s in there somewhere. Gotta. Find. It.

Ok, now all the fingers are out and I’m trying to get this tiny

child-glove on. It’s not happening. I cannot get the fingers to go on all

the way. Nope. Ain’t happenin’. The fingertips hang over my fingers a

pretty good ways and I can’t get the glove to go all the way down in the

web of my fingers. Not only that, but 2 of the glove fingers are

twisted funny. I look like a dork. The instructions say if the fingers

are too long, to simply cut the ends off, being careful to trim the loose

threads. Are you freaking kidding me?!? I just spent $150 on this one

glove and you want me to cut the fingers off and not leave any loose

threads? Holy Moly. Now I’m frustrated to the max. I try and get

the glove off so that perhaps I can stretch it a bit so that it will fit

better. The only way to get it off is to pull down from the top. I pull

it off and realize the glove is now, once again, inside out. I set the

glove down on the couch and walk away. Sometimes you just have to

walk away.