9/9/22

Today is Friday.  I had to look it up.  I hardly ever know what day it is anymore.  I've been a bit under the weather the past few days.  I am contributing all my ailments to lack of sleep.  I cannot get my brain to settle down, but perhaps tonight will be better.  I think I've got my head in a 'good-enough' spot to get some rest.

I've made a decision to not start the last medication in the cancer-combating-arsenal yet, if at all.  Several factors affected my decision and one of them is my upcoming trip to Idaho/Oregon.  We are leaving soon for the coast and will be gone for 12 days, returning on 10/4.  I want to enjoy this trip with my little brother and his wife and show David where I grew up part of my life.  I've taken this medication before and had side effects, but now I'm on blood thinners and am re-thinking my options.  My symptoms included: bone pain, hot flashes, dizziness, hair loss, stomach cramps, constipation, ocular migraines (vision trouble), fatigue, dry skin and bruising.  It can cause liver cancer, more blood clots and stroke, among other things.  I can't take Benedryl with it and I take that when I get stung/bitten because I'm allergic.  It's called Tamoxifen and it's an estrogen blocker and it's the last medication on the list.  I don't want more blood clots and it says not to take it if you're on blood thinners.  You see my dilemma?  The cancer is still in my lymph nodes but so far has not implanted any cancer cells anywhere else (that we know of).  My cancer will return.  When - is the big question.  I could go on for years.  I could find out next week.  It's in God's hands.  I am almost over all my old side effects and it feels good to feel good.  I want to live my life.  Not just breathe.  I like not being miserable.  It's wonderful.  I would be on Tamoxifen for the next 10 years.  Yeah, you read that right.  10 years.

I have a lung scan next Tuesday morning at the hospital and then will see my oncologist prior to my trip.  She probably won't like my decision, but it's my life.  Not hers.  I will still have the infusion every 6 months to protect my bones and I'm still going to MD Anderson in December for all my tests.  I'm not quitting.  I will ask her some specific questions about my prognosis so that I can make sure I make a fully informed final decision.

So, please don't judge me unless you've been there, done that.  David is on the same page, and that's who I need in my corner.  So, you girls, my beautiful daughters, I need you to be with me on this.  Please try to understand, even if you disagree with my decision.  I love you.

David is going to the Aggie football game tomorrow with the girls and our grandson (6 years old), and I am going to a barbershop concert and then dinner with a friend.  Tomorrow will be a good day for all.



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